I deserve LOVE – a tale of my final straw at over 389 lbs (this blog was originally posted as yogavegan on myfitnesspal.com, in February 2012, some of the numbers have changed as of this posting)
Today is Valentines Day, the day we celebrate love… for many this is a stupid Hallmark Holiday designed to make people feel bad about themselves. I remember well the days of not having a special person to share my life with, being unhappy in my 300 plus pound body, stuffing myself full of sugar filled fake foods, trying to fill that void where ‘love’ should have been.
V-Day was always a point of misery for me…. Flash back to 2004… I had spent Valentines Day on my sofa, watching TV, smoking and drinking and stuffing myself full of crap. Papa Johns Pizza, cheesy bread, vodka, chocolate milk… and my final treat was a huge container of chocolate covered oreos. I was alone.. I deserved it! No one else paid attention to me, I was broken and in pain from my divorce, and I wanted to feel better. All that food filled in the hole.. temporarily.
I remember waking up the next morning and seeing all of the trash and feeling sick to my stomach, hungover and coughing up lots of crap from smoking too much… a typical morning for me back then. I remember getting a phone call from my then-very good friend, who wanted to see if she could borrow a suit to wear for a job interview. And I remember going about on my day as usual… feeling sorry for myself, plodding along at a desk job that I hated, pretending to be someone I wasn’t.
That night, my friend came over and went through my closet. As mean as this may sound, its the truth. I had always had an image in my mind that this particular friend was my ‘fat friend’. She was always commenting on her weight and trying to lose some. I had always been smaller than her. Part of me was looking forward to seeing her struggle to fit herself into my smaller clothes.
I’m sure you can guess what happened…
I was shocked and disturbed and really pissed off when all of my size 22s were too big for her. When my ‘fat friend’ was suddenly too small for MY clothes!! I was mad, so mad, so pissed off, I wanted to break things. I wanted to eat crap to make myself feel better. I wanted to get drunk. I wanted to…. do anything to make myself feel better.
So I went for a walk. Granted, I smoked about a half a pack of cigarettes on the walk, but I still went for a walk. I sat on the swings in the park and cried a good snotty snorting cry. I realized then that I needed a change or I was going to die very young.
After that night, I started going for a short walk in the morning, before I lit up my first cigarette. About a month later, I added in a short calisthenics routine that I did back in my old running days in college, and when I say that, I mean, I wrote it all down from what I remembered, and did about 1 of each exercise before I got winded.
As I said, this was in February 2004. I walked daily for about 3 months, and then went to the doctor and got on the scale. 389 was my weigh in. I knew that I had lost weight since that reality check, so I dont know how much my actual heaviest weight was. 389 made me want to crawl out of my skin. So that summer, I ordered Winsor Pilates and started a gentle Yoga stretch program. I had done yoga sporadically for about 3 years before, and I knew I loved it, but I had never committed to a regular practice. I made a schedule, I dont remember it now, but I walked every day, and alternated Pilates and Yoga. I made a plan to quit smoking. And then I joined weight watchers.
By the end of 2004, I was down to 350 and I quit smoking, oh and I moved into a different town, one that was closer to work, where I had better access to healthier food, and lots of local trails to walk on.
Here I am, 8 years later…
200 LBS LIGHTER ( I Still have about 30 to go)
Non smoker since Thanksgiving 2004
Sober since 2008
Size 10 jeans
I have run 3 half marathons
over 20 5K races and innumerable other races
I am a yoga and Pilates instructor, full time.
Runner, Spinner, occasional boxer (or wanna be!)
And I am living a life I once dreamed about..
I have a job that I love, where I get to help people find their connections to their bodies and their truth, every single day. AND I get to teach people how to do headstands!
I have a partnership with an amazing man where we share love, support, friendship, honesty and respect. And this year… we get the best Valentines Candy ever.. in the form of a gorgeous dog named, yes.. Candy. So excited to add her to our home.
But most important… that hole that I always tried to fill? I got rid of all the sugar filled crap that was crowding my heart… and replaced it with a love for myself that no food, no person, no job, NOTHING can ever replace.
The most important lesson I ever learned on this 200 lb journey…. if I dont love myself, there is no point in thinking anyone else will ever love me. If I dont deem myself worthy of love and respect, then I will never attract either in my life.
Namaste friends ♥♥ all love all the time
myownsatya 